Culinary Trials
by Archaon
Summary: One-shot. After another hazardous lunch, Ranma says something more stupid than usual and Akane takes it as a challenge. Her goal: To survive her own food for five days. The rest of Nerima really suffers.


**Culinary Trials **

**A Ranma one-shot** of fiery stubbornness, insanity, hidden love and reality-bending cooking.

**by Archaon**

**-n-b-**

Ranma Saotome stood very still, keeping his entire body inanimate with all the expertise his through, unconventional and utterly insane training could provide. Before him loomed what was perhaps his most dangerous opponent up-to-date. Prince Herb would have let a glass-shattering girly screech. Yamata-no-Orochi would have played possum, akin to the lowliest of mice. Prince Kirin would have fled in fear all-consuming. Prince Toma would have hidden in illusions for months. Demigod Phoenix King Saffron would have had his flames snuffed, returning to his latest eggshell and shivering madly. Even Grandmaster Happosai would sooner quit his perverted ways and renounce both school and alcohol rather than willingly face such an opponent.

Said opponent was also terrified, albeit for quite different reasons. After all, it sucks to be born fully sentient and with the mental capacity of an adult. It sucks not to be recognized by your own creator and mother as fully sentient. And it really sucks when said mother pleads for your consumption.

"Come on, Ranma, just give me a chance! Just try it once, it won't bite!"

It should be noted that while cursed training grounds, haunted mansions and mythical mountains provide great background awe, things can become dangerous even in a place like the Tendo estate main room during dinner. Therefore, it should not come as a surprise when both Ranma and the very much alive... entity residing in his plate checked said plate for teeth of any kind.

The pig-tailed martial artist was at a loss. On the one hand he had decided to try his best to be nice to his formerly unwilling fiancée, a mean feat all by its own. After the events in Jusendo he could at least admit to himself who the most important person in his life was. He also knew how important it was for Akane to master the ancient art of safe and edible cooking. It was a matter of pride and Ranma could relate very easily. On the other hand, his sense of self-preservation was shouting at him to rise from his seat, face a random direction with no substantial obstacles, like kevlar armoring or nuclear reactors, and get the hell out of dodge. He was also leery about consuming something that was apparently not only alive but also aware. Ranma might casually beat sentient beings within an inch of their lives and might have actually killed a demigod but he drew the line at cannibalism. He wondered if Akane could be reasoned with keeping the newly born creature as a pet. He'd bet he could teach it to eat pork, a sure way to keep a certain lost boy away.

"Akane, did you bother to try this plate of... yakisoba before serving it?" he asked, trying to buy some time. The fact that he had actually managed to be a lot nicer during the last weeks meant that he would rarely make his fiancée angry enough to summon a mallet anymore. While that was normally a huge relief, it meant that there were as many chances to face tears instead of anger. It also meant his usual escape route via mallet airlines was absent.

Akane frowned a bit, debating whether she should become angry. A glance at her latest creation placed a substantial dent in her usual self-righteous indignation. "It's a hamburger, Ranma" she commented while pouting. "I know I messed up a bit but it can't be as bad as it looks. Just try a little bit" she added, hitting her fiancé with a level six puppy eye technique.

Ranma, otherwise a master of this technique when scamming ice cream, found himself powerless against the onslaught of highly desirable tomboy cuteness. Another indication he had it really bad. Looking for a second opinion, though hardly expecting one, he glanced at the room's other occupants.

His father had a stony visage, the same he would usually wear before applying some forbidden training method. 'It will certainly kill you, but it's for your own good' it screamed.

His mother did not meet his eyes, already sobbing silently in a handkerchief. Losing her son so soon after finding him would do that and she, an accomplished cook, could tell what his chances of survival were.

Soun Tendo was, as usual, torn between decisions. At the moment he couldn't decide which wail he should use. Number 45( Waah! My son-in-law will suffer a horrible death) would be a valid choice, but number 67(Waaah! My baby girl will become a murderer) was also appropriate. Of course, he could always settle for something a bit more common like number 12( Waah! Now the schools will never be joined).

Nabiki was trying hard to remain apathetic, although even she was capable of pity and compassion. While Ranma had caused a lot of trouble for her family, he had also done a world of good to everyone involved. For Nabiki, it would be like losing a younger brother. The funeral expenses would be nothing to sneeze at either.

As for Kasumi, she turned away from his gaze, feeling like a heel. She was guilty of not trying harder to teach her baby sister how to cook and guilty of not giving the sharp but deserving comments reserved for lethal cooks.

Finally, Ranma looked at the last of the room's occupants. He blinked towards his plate. The entity inside blinked back. "Sorry about that" he muttered dejectedly. "Can't see how either of us will survive." Steeling himself, he raised his chopsticks, picking a piece of... (Jello? Sludge? Sauce?) food and placing it in his mouth. He had to swallow real fast to resist his gagging instincts. He still felt his tasting buds declaring a strike.

Akane looked at him crestfallen. She tried to tell herself he was just overreacting, but she didn't know how one could make his face pass through all the colors of the rainbow on purpose. "How was it?" she had to ask, her voice unbecomingly meek.

"You'll get it eventually" he managed to croak, keeping a straight face, leaving the table and using every last bit of his willpower to casually walk out of the room. Of course, as soon as he was out of sight, he ran.

Really ran.

Not the world champion kind of ran.

The Ranma kind.

The kind that seems like teleportation.

And unfortunately, Akane heard it. Oh well, blame the sonic boom.

**-n-b-**

She found him lying in his room later, after he was done worshiping the porcelain throne. He had snatched an ice pack, keeping it pressed against his forehead.

Akane sighed heavily, causing him to open his eyes. "Sorry" she said simply, offering him a glass of warm milk. He looked at it wearily and she sighed again. "Don't worry, Kasumi made it."

"Thanks", he muttered, downing it in one gulp. He knew she was still depressed and tried to cheer her up. "Don't worry, tomboy, it was better than last time."

She gave him the evil eye but refrained from pounding him. It would just be cruel and she knew what he was trying to do. "It's not fair, you know. Everybody seems to be able to cook except me. I know that even though you don't do it often, you could probably give Kasumi a run for her money." She didn't say it loud, but she also thought about the rest of the girls haunting him. Even Kodachi could cook full courses, albeit laced with chemicals.

Ranma frowned. "It's not like I had a choice you know. I learned how to cook while I was staying in the dojos me and Pops visited. Then it was a matter of survival. Not only can't you trust him with food, he must also be the second worst cook I know."

"And who's the worst?" she asked scowling.

"I have the right to remain silent" he shot back, also starting to get angry. "And I guess it was the same thing with Kasumi. She had a whole family to feed and you can only survive on takeout for so long."

Akane contemplated that for a while, then her eyes went wide. "Perhaps that's the answer" she exclaimed. "Perhaps I can learn if I need to cook every day."

Ranma frowned. "I suggest you stick to your mother's cookbook. You know how to boil water and you have even cooked a decent curry once, not counting when you used the water of life. I can't see why you put it aside."

"Hey, it starts too simple! I can do better than that" she declared. "Have some faith in me."

Ranma shook his head. "You are too damn stubborn. You have to take it easy if you want to learn anything. And why should I have faith in your cooking when you have none. You never try what you cook before serving it!" he accused.

"Oh yeah? Perhaps I should start eating only what **I** cook from now on. I'll **have** to get better then."

This was the point where Ranma's subconscious decided it was high time for him to say something ridiculously stupid. "Feh! I bet you wouldn't last five days."

It should be noted that while Akane often accuses her fiancé for entering ludicrous bets because of his pride, she is just as bad. Knowing that, Ranma had tried to stop his wayward mouth from issuing such a challenge, but it was already too late. Now he could only hope she would ignore him.

Alas, Akane is a martial artist too.

"Um, can you forget I said that?"

Unfortunately she had stopped listening. "Very well then" she exclaimed pridefully. "For the next five days, I will eat nothing that hasn't been cooked by me. And I won't cook curry either!" she declared, her body rigid, her fist pumping upwards. Ranma winced as a determination aura surrounded her.

"Akane?" called Nabiki from the doorframe.

Ranma never heard her, busy trying to salvage the situation. "Look 'Kane, that could be dangerous. Why not make it one meal per day or something."

"Akane!" demanded Nabiki, still ignored.

"Forget about it Ranma" the youngest Tendo shot back, smirking all the while, fist still raised. "I'll learn how to cook if it's the last thing I'll do" she added, her aura leaving burn marks on the floor.

"Akane!" Nabiki practically shouted.

"What?" she shouted back annoyed.

The middle Tendo composed herself. "Your clothes are on fire" she indicated calmly. Akane 'eeped' then ran to her room, giving her fiancé a free show, seeing as her dress was almost gone.

Nabiki eyed Ranma accusingly. "The impending mess will be your fault, you know" she indicated.

The pig-tailed martial artist frowned. "I'm not paying for her messes. It's her own damn fault if she poisons herself" he replied, a bit aggressively, exiting the room.

**-n-b-**

Next morning found Akane in the room most people would pay her not to be. She had decided to skip her morning jog and fix breakfast for herself instead. She leafed through one of Kasumi's advanced cookbooks for a while, then settled for a fancy-named omelet.

"I can do this" she muttered, crushing three eggs open, then spilling them in a frying pan. The recipe said to mix and stir them first but she could do that later.

Right?

She spent the next half hour confusing sugar with salt, slicing ham in entirely too thin and burnable pieces, adding carrots and wood chunks because it looked a bit bland, almost burning the house down when she forgot to light the gas stove and seasoning with mustard, vinegar and lemon.

Needless to say, on her way to school she was already feeling gratuitously ill.

"You okay?" asked Ranma from his perch on the fence, trying very hard not to sound worried. His eyes were telling a different tale.

"I'm just peachy, Ranma" she replied, smiling a very fake smile. "Yep, nothing but peachy" she added. Her greenish complexion indicated otherwise.

Ranma sighed, but stayed silent. He couldn't afford to show how much he cared. Instant weddings were lurking just around the corner these days and it was still too early to worry about his fiancée. She could last a bit on bad food. She was the responsible one.

Right?

Lunch went good up to when they had to call the HAZMAT team. The green fumes had worried the neighbors. Needless to say, Akane ate nothing until dinner, when she decided to swallow her pride and settle for cutting herself a salad.

Later that evening she was busy running through a Kata and occasionally wincing. Only someone looking for something wrong would notice it and Ranma did so.

"Still feeling peachy?" he asked, trying his best to sound nonchalant.

Akane frowned. "Stop trying to act like my mother, Ranma" she chuckled, smirking as he blushed and turned away. "I might have messed up a bit, but it's only the first day. And I did eat that salad" she added, sounding too pleased with herself.

Her fiancé cocked a brow. "Devoured more likely. You even licked the bowl clean" he noted and it was her time to blush. "And it still had chunks from the cutting board in."

"Hey, that was just Oregano. I thought I should add a bit to give it an extra kick."

Ranma 'feh-ed' "I hope you at least washed the vegetables before cutting them" he chuckled, sobering real fast when his fiancée's eyes went wide. "You **did** wash them, right?" he demanded, watching as she winced again, one of her hands reflexively coming to rest on her belly.

"I think I'll go sleep early" she chirped, exiting the dojo a bit too fast for Ranma's peace of mind. Needless to say, Akane barely slept that night. The orchestra residing in her innards simply demanded an audience.

**-n-b-**

Day two and Akane was still as determined as ever.

'Okay girl don't mess this up. This time I'll settle for something simple and traditional like... Miso soup. Yep, Kasumi does it all the time, how hard can it be? You'll win this one yet!'

It should be said that Akane is nothing if not motivated. That motivation however often makes her find the tree and lose the forest or, more literally, follow the recipe's steps to the letter while messing their order. And while she was good with letters, she somehow always messed the numbers.

The fact she poured enough salt for a ten-serving course, as per the directions, instead of adjusting it for one serving was also unfortunate. More importantly, by obliviously infusing the food with her chi, she changed its molecular structure quite a bit. The salt was unaffected, though...

"Am I supposed to let it boil for three or for thirty minutes?" she muttered aloud, trying hard to remember the instructions. She could always read the recipe again, but that would be like cheating. A self-respecting martial artist only needs to read such things once.

Right?

"Oh well, I'll settle for fifteen minutes" she shrugged, adding the mushrooms. She had washed them thoroughly, feeling very proud about learning from yesterday's mistakes. So proud she started shimmering the 'miso soup' much more vigorously than sanity would require. It should be noted that while Akane's martial art skills are nowhere near the level of godlike people like Ranma, they are still formidable. So the fact that no boiling 'miso soup' touched her or her clothes shouldn't come as a surprise. Her subconscious was there to protect her from the hot liquid. It should also be noted that her subconscious cared nothing about the rest of the kitchen.

Kasumi met her younger sister at the kitchen's doorframe. The elder Tendo sister gave her a nod of approval, although her smile diminished when she glanced at the concoction she was so giddily carrying. Said smile died a horrible death when she saw the kitchen. HER kitchen.

Gas stove still burning. Check.

A tablespoon tied in a knot. Check.

A cracked bowl. Check.

Hundreds of tiny former droplets of... something that had been reduced to salt crystal deposits. All over the walls, electric appliances, floor AND ceiling. Most definitely check.

Kasumi summoned her own version of the 'Soul of Ice' privately dubbed by her as 'Mask of Serenity'. Her smile returned, if a bit strained, but no one would notice unless they looked for it. No one usually did. "It's going to be one of **these** days" she muttered calmly, picking a wet rug and starting rubbing while whistling.

**-n-b-**

Ranma Saotome was definitely not worried about his uncute fiancée. No sir, not worried at all. The fact he avoided the fence and was walking right next to her was mere coincidence. He was just a bit bored of balance training. Even one such as he, who had devoted his whole life becoming stronger, could get tired of training sometimes.

Right?

The additional fact that Akane was wobbling had nothing to do with it. And purple is a perfectly healthy skin color. Why, once he had stayed purple for a whole week. Granted it was after Genma's version of endurance training, but he was still alive. No danger at all.

"Akane..." he started tentatively, frowning as she kept walking on something that would only vaguely pass for a straight line. "Akane!" he demanded again, this time catching her attention.

She turned and faced him with bloodshot, unfocused eyes, then raised a brow. "Wazzup Ranm'..." she slurred. "Cause if you worried, no be... me's plenty fine."

Needless to say, that totally persuaded the pig-tailed martial artist. Totally.

"'Kane, what exactly did you eat for breakfast?" he asked in a soft, yet demanding voice.

"Paint thinner yummy" she responded and he groaned. This could hardly get worse.

Right?

However, we must not forget the revised Murphy's law, custom made for Nerima. 'If something can go wrong, it will go wrong at exactly the worse time in exactly the most chaotic way conceivable.'

"Nihao, airen!" came the dreaded call, registered in Ranma's mind under the 'warcries' category, right next to 'Ranma, prepare to die'. Fortunately for him, he was distracted because of Akane's condition and forgot **not** to dodge the incoming bicycle that landed next to him.

If Shampoo noticed that detail, she simply filed it for future reference, leaving her bike behind and casually glomping Ranma in her octopus hold. "Airen no like too too boring school, yes? You take Shampoo date!"

Up to this point almost everything had been normal. Well, for Nerima anyway. Ranma expected Akane to become as angry as usual, although he wasn't sure if that would be a good or bad thing. Anger might hurt her in her rather unique state, yet there was also the possibility of clearing her mind.

It should be noted here that Akane is as much of a martial arts genius as Ranma. Given the same training they would have definitely been equals. The youngest Tendo, however, not only had to face much lighter training, but was also restricted by her own mind. In her current state, as close to the legendary mind-of-no-mind as she had ever been, her own insecurities failed to hinder her. As soon as she saw Shampoo's actions against Ranma, she instantly translated the situation like any master martial artist would. An enemy party using an offensive technique against a friendly party. She also copied said offensive technique down to the last muscle clench, then tried to improve it.

Thus, both Ranma and Shampoo were caught off guard when Akane, instead of using mallets, proceeded to glomp the Chinese Amazon for all she was worth. With every ounce of strength she would usually only use unconsciously.

And of course, while Shampoo did register as an enemy, Akane's higher functions were never informed. "You kinda cute" she giggled while merrily choking her.

"Violent girl on drugs?" she asked with difficulty, trying to keep air in her lungs. "She eat spiked super soba?" she mewled pathetically, losing her grip on Ranma and spiraling into unconsciousness. A couple broken ribs combined with asphyxiation will do that.

Akane let Shampoo's limp body fall on the pavement. "Kitty broken?" she slurred, pouting an impossibly cute pout.

Ranma shook his head to clear away the strange visions. Akane did NOT just use an advanced chi choking hold to knock Shampoo out, his mind screamed.

Right?

Fortunately for the rest of the cast, Ranma is one of the least delusional characters, unless it has to do with emotion denial. An expert in martial arts, he soon realized what Akane's reaction meant.

"Thanks 'Kane. You got her good" he complimented, unsure on whether she will hear or remember it.

Akane turned to face him, featuring a sunny smile. She then hugged him tightly. Fortunately it was a regular hug this time. Unfortunately it made Ranma way too uneasy. "What do you think you are doing, you uncute tomboy!" he snapped, using his usual defense lines.

Said lines were proven useless when Akane giggled. "Ranm' funny" she declared giddily. "Want hold you forever... Ranm'. Me likes you."

"Ah.. yes of course... I mean.. good I mean... you're not bad either 'Kane... I mean..."

Akane giggled again. "Ranm' silly. You act like Tofu-chan with 'Sumi-sama" she babbled, then seemed to sober down. "Can I kiss-kiss you Ranm'?" she asked shyly.

The otherwise fearless martial artist took a step backwards, his face red enough to stop traffic. A part of his mind indicated this was the first time a female (or male for the matter) asked instead of going for it. Another part demanded not to lose the chance.

Of course Ranma is nothing if not honorable. "I don't think it's a good idea 'Kane" he said, voicing his doubts.

Akane pouted, taking a step forward. "Then Ranm' not like me even a tiny bit?" she asked, her eyes watering.

Ranma was panicking fast but somehow managed to form a valid argument. "I like you a lot Akane, but you are high as a kite. You'll hate me when you get alright." Almost unwillingly, he took another step back, bumping into a wall.

Akane smiled again. "No worries Ranm'. I'll neve' hate you real. If me is as bad, I'll forget it happened. Pwease?"

The Saotome youth only nodded dumbly, then their lips met and the rest of the world vanished in a crimson sea of passion worthy of Akane's name.

**-n-b-**

Kuno Tatewaki, the true blunder of Furinkan high was impatiently tapping his foot. His awe-inducing tigress Akane Tendo was late. His spirits soared when she saw her approaching fast. She was forced to carry the fiend Saotome by his pigtail and she was unsteadily... skipping? And why was the foul sorcerer red-faced and drooling like that? Oh well, nothing too weird for Nerima...

Right?

"Step no further vision of loveliness, for today is the day I'll free thee from thy arcane chains bounding... urk!"

Kuno's pretty elaborate if banal speech was interrupted when Akane's hand shot forward, grabbed him from the nose and twisted with enough force to bring him to the ground. She then proceeded to turn him around and sit right on his back. "Heya Ku-kun. Me happy t'day, no punch too hard."

As everybody stopped walking and starred, Kuno finally found his voice. "Fwea Akwane Twendo, I tink you bwoke my node. What fwaoul swocery has affwected you?" (Fair Akane Tendo, I think you broke my nose. What foul sorcery has affected you?)

It should be noted that Akane's mental state was at the moment extremely unpredictable. What happens to a person when you dull their inhibitions and mental defenses? A kitchen can be a very dangerous place indeed.

"Bouncy!" she yelled happily, bouncing once and eliciting a groan from her current seat. "See Ranm' it squeaks!"

Ranma had slowly regained his higher brain functions and took a moment to assess the absurdity of the scene. "Akane, do you happen to be drunk or something? I don't think paint thinner would be enough..."

"Bouncy!" she exclaimed again, causing a second groan. "No ain't sure Ranm' used funny bottles from cute red cross box. Spiced water inside sure smells good!"

Her fiancé slapped a hand on his forehead. "What exactly did you put in your food, 'Kane? I bet a lot of medical companies would pay real money to learn."

The midnight-haired girl was not exactly paying attention. "Bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy-bouncy..." she laughed, each time driving Kuno a little bit more in the ground. "try it too, Ranm' huge fun!"

Ranma tugged at his pigtail, not sure how to respond as his favorite tomboy resumed bouncing. "I think you're killing him 'Kane."

**-n-b-**

Everybody that spends more than a month attending Furinkan high must soon learn to expect the unexpected lest they lose their sanity. That said, there are some things nobody ever expects to change. Some things just can't be considered variables. For example, it's just not possible for Akane Tendo to sleep during class while Ranma Saotome is busy taking notes. In fact the rest of the class was very busy being in denial about what they were seeing. Even in Nerima these things just won't happen.

Right?

Ranma was cranky. Even though the day had been way more enjoyable than his average day, what he was now doing simply felt wrong. Since Akane had fallen asleep as soon as she touched her seat, probably sleeping off whatever it was that resided in her bloodstream, Ranma needed to stay awake and monitor her. He debated simply hauling her back home, skipping school altogether, but he knew that would cause even more questions and troubles. So, in order to stay awake, he was forced to actually pay attention to the teacher. It was marginally more interesting than watching the plain walls.

Their idiotic classmates that were busy forming all sorts of wards from every know religion to repel the apparent evil were not helping his mood either. He was really relieved when break came. Akane was awake in an instant, casually jumping down from the third floor and heading for one of the trees, still wobbling quite badly.

Ranma blinked twice before following. "When the hell did the tomboy become that good?" he wondered in awe.

**-n-b-**

Under a tree was where Ukyo found them. She had opted to keep her shop open for the morning and was only now entering the school grounds. School didn't mean much to her after all. She could handle her own finances, she would cook for a living and she would spend her life with her Ranchan.

Right?

Which is why she was mightily pissed off when she found the object of her affections sitting a bit too close to his other fiancée. She had to compose herself before approaching, though. Careful observation had shown that messing with Akane would mean making her Ranchan edgy. Especially after returning from that last trip to China he had been awfully protective of the Tendo girl. Of course, her Ranchan was only seeing Akane as a friend.

Right?

Ukyo Kuonji was very good when it came to denial. She embraced it with a ferocity few possess...

"Morning Ranchan, everything okay? Oh, hi Akane, didn't see you there" she chirped, moving to sit between them. She frowned when Akane closed the distance, placing a hand on her Ranchan that screamed 'mine' and stuck her tongue out while the pig-tailed martial artist wasn't looking.

"Hi Ucchan. Were you busy earlier?" he asked innocently.

By that point Ukyo was already fuming. Not only because of the unheard proximity of the two but mainly because of how at ease her Ranchan looked. Even his voice sounded happier than normal. He was usually very nervous every time she or Shampoo glomped him so why not now? It's not like he liked the Tendo girl more.

Right?

In her rage she discarded subtlety. "What the hell is wrong with Akane, Ranchan?" she demanded, almost screaming.

Ranma seemed outwardly oblivious. "She just ate something... well something. She is a bit... drunk? Yeah, that the word. She'll be fine by tomorrow I hope."

Ranma's hopes were not delivered with anything like a hopeful tone. He sounded more like disappointed. That pushed Ukyo over the edge. 'How dare she' her mind screamed. Her giant spatula was already in her hands, coming to strike Akane with its cutting edge. Only to be stopped not by Ranma, as per usual, but by Akane herself.

Ukyo blink-blinked at the three fingers that held her weapon still, but her hesitation only lasted a second. "I challenge you" she declared, jumping backwards.

"You'r' on biatch" slurred Akane, jumping to her feet. She was still walking unsteadily, but something told Ukyo she should not underestimate her.

Ranma was frowning. "What do you think you're doing Ucchan!" he asked.

"Don't worry Ranchan, I won't hurt her much" she replied merrily, her eyes never leaving her opponent.

"Today I'm more worried about you" he muttered, but Ukyo ignored him.

The area around the two combatants cleared very fast while many spectators gathered. Nabiki was one of the first and kept walking around, gathering bets.

"So, Saotome, are you going to stop them? Many have bet that you will" she asked as she reached Ranma. The two opponents were still seizing each other.

"Only if Akane starts losing too badly. Although..." he started sounding thoughtful. "What are the odds?" he asked, looking indifferent.

"One to twenty against Akane, I fear" she replied frowning. "I'm not going to make any money from that particular bet. At least I have the first hit, first miss and first knockdown to support me."

Ranma smiled a mysterious smile, a wallet appearing out of thin air right before Nabiki's incredulous eyes. "How did you do that?" she asked.

His smile widened. "Hidden weapon technique, I might show you for a fee. For now, I'm betting a hundred thousand yen on 'Kane" he shot back, offering the money.

Nabiki needed three seconds to regain her Ice queen mask. "Okay..." she offered, taking the large sum and giving him his ticket.

Ukyo did not really intent to seriously fight Akane. Although she wasn't sure about the other girl's skill level, she knew from conversations with Ranma that she was weak. What she forgot to take into account was that everybody she knew was weak compared to Ranma. And of course she couldn't really have known about the chemically induced state the Tendo girl was in.

So her first move was a lighthearted swing with the flat of her spatula. The next thing she knew was the ground impacting her rear, courtesy of one of Akane's kicks. A kick that Ranma would usually use but had never bothered to teach. Leaping to her feet, the Okonomiyaki chef let her visage go grim.

"Okay sugar, no more miss nice girl for you" she exclaimed, launching three of her smaller spatulas, then coming in close and slashing furiously high and low. She stopped seconds later, then blinked. The fact there was no Akane in sight was quite unnerving. Very subtly she tried to peek behind her shoulder then span rapidly, expecting an attack at her back, her spatula poised next to her head.

She was not ready to hear giggling from just behind and above her. She was not ready to glance again and see Akane blissfully and precariously perched on her weapon.

She was certainly not ready for the spinning low kick, performed from that unlikely position, that caught her on the cheek and send her flying and landing hard.

"Wazzap 'Kyo. You's rusty today?" slurred the youngest Tendo, assuming Ranma's trademark no-stance with her body relaxed, her hands behind her back and a smirk on her face.

Ukyo, an otherwise intelligent individual, simply snorted, throwing three flour bombs that surrounded Akane with a white cloud. Before she could launch her next move though, a constricting noodle attack, a cry resounded from inside the smokescreen.

"FUSHICHOU TSUME!"

A fragment of a second later, an orange chi blast, slim but powerful, collided with Ranma's 'cute' fiancée. Burning a hole through her spatula, despite being reinforced by her own life energy, it caught her just below the ribcage, disintegrating cloth, driving the air off her lungs and sending her to end her impromptu flight on the bark of a conveniently placed tree.

That was ridiculous, of course. Everybody except Ranma was wondering who had just stepped in to protect Akane by launching such an attack. The Tendo girl herself might have been powerful B.R. (before Ranma) but only someone in Ranma's and Ryouga's league could perform something like that.

Right?

Ranma, having the privilege of advanced senses, was merely trying to figure which emotion Akane had just used. After all, he knew she had high enough reserves for ten more such blasts. What she had been sorely lacking was control, something that hardly seemed to hinder her after her 'breakfast'.

Ukyo regained her footing gingerly just as the flour was scattered away, revealing Akane standing in the same infuriating stance.

No wait.

Her smirk was just a tad bit wider.

Growling, Ukyo rushed in again, her swipes becoming more and more wild as her temper flared. Akane on the other hand was perfectly happy to dodge and use verbal spikes instead.

"Me was thinkin' 'Kyo. Me an' Ranm' should have a western weddin' 'stead of Shinto. I clean up nice ina dress they say."

"Keep your paws off my Ranchan, bitch" countered Ukyo, pressing her offensive advantage.

"Can't wait t' make Ranm' happy-happy in both forms. We'll have lotsa lotsa fun" went on Akane, wobbling right and left and seemingly avoiding attacks by pure luck.

The comment was followed by a shrill cry of outrage and a rain of mini-spatulas as the Okonomiyaki chef's aura flared like the sun.

It was pretty transparent really. If it was Ranma fighting, everybody would know what was coming next. A by-the-book Ranma victory. But this was Akane Tendo, a girl they've known their whole lives and not some wacky martial artist invading their world. So it was only Ranma that knew what was coming next, although he was still uncertain whether his fiancée could actually pull it off.

"HIRYŪ SHŌTEN HA-chan!"

It should be noted that the reason an attack name must be voiced is mainly for focusing purposes. One could really shout something like 'pink-powered pork puddle' and get almost the same result. Masters of the technique can even skip the shouting altogether. So it shouldn't come as a surprise when a very real chi tornado manifested right in Ukyo's face despite the intimate suffix added to the attack's name.

**-n-b-**

As soon as Ranma brought his childhood friend to the infirmary and as soon as he learned she would only need to stay put for a couple of days, a laughable amount of time by his standards, he decided it was high time to take Akane back home, where it was safer.

Safer for their rivals that is.

He wasn't really surprised when the wall at his side was reduced to pebbles and Ryouga emerged. He had sensed the lost boy wrapping close to their position seconds before.

"At last I found you Ranma! Prepare to..."

The standard response was interrupted via Ranma's elbow that soundly impacted his diaphragm. "Not today, man. I have to get Akane home. She is not well."

For once, Ranma's words made themselves heard as Ryouga ignored his rival and turned to face his life's love. "Are you alright, Akane-san?" he asked in a concerned tone.

Said drugged girl's face was blissfully decorated with a wide smile. "Cute!" she squealed, taking a step towards the lost boy.

Both rivals blinked at each other then back at the Tendo girl.

"Cute!" she demanded again, reaching and grabbing Ryouga by the ears. "Very cute!"

Ranma frowned in jealousy and firmly reminded himself that Akane was high on something she cooked and could not be held responsible for her reactions. Ryouga seemed lost in quite a different way than usual, his face pure bliss.

"Cute piggy" came the voice, followed by a punch in the face strong enough to lodge him in a wall.

To say the other two martial artists were stunned would be like saying the sun is a warm place.

"Perhaps she is normally just in denial," muttered Ranma, sighing while shaking his head.

Akane, on the other hand, was far from finished. Producing yet the largest hammer Ranma had ever seen, full with decorative skulls and not-so-decorative spikes, she proceeded to reduce Ryouga to a mass of quivering limbs. Only, instead of crying 'pervert' she followed every swing with a 'cute piggy' merry shout.

"Ranma, this is all your fault!" came lost boy's last cry as one of Akane's strikes launched him into high orbit. The pig-tailed martial artist allowed himself a smile. For once, pig-brain was right. This **was** really his fault and he was liking it.

**-n-b-**

"She is doing it on purpose! I can accept she is superstitious! I can accept she is throwing water on the street to repel evil spirits. I know firsthand evil spirits are a pain in the ass. I can even accept the old bat is half-blind. But getting me with her ladle almost every freaking day!"

Akane was giggling as her currently female fiancée was throwing a tantrum while dragging her along.

"What's so funny?" demanded the redhead, still peeved. Anger fled really fast when her fiancée trapped her between a wall and her body for a second time. "'Kane? W-what..." she started, but the dark-haired girl brought a finger to her lips.

"Ranm' thinks that th' curse's so bad?" she asked, pouting a bit. "You's want cure so much?"

Ranma was too distracted by the way their bodies were touching to form his usual denials. "N-not really. But y-you hate it 'Kane" he managed to voice.

Akane smiled, then shook her head vigorously, mirroring her father's reaction on Ranma's first day with the Tendos. In fact, Ranma was afraid she had gone epileptic. "Male Ranm', 'emale Ranm' no matter. All min'" she slurred happily. "Me show's you, Ranm'" she added, leaning forward.

"B-but we are both girls right now" she complained. Of course, her brain stopped responding a second later and, for the second time that day Ranma found herself in heaven.

Martial artists like Ranma train their body so that it can respond to threats even while their higher mental functions are fried or absent. That way she is relatively safe even while she is asleep or, in this case, while her out-of-her-mind fiancée is trying her best to give her an orgasm by merely french-kissing her. That said, it was not so unexpected for her to roll along the wall instinctively, avoiding a razor-edged gymnastics ribbon that left a substantial mark where they had been leaning.

"I should have known you two peasants indulge in perverted acts while leaving my Ranma-sama under your thrall. This time you shall pay your dues! O-HO-HO-HO..."

Ranma came to her senses really fast after hearing the hideous laughter. Her body recognized it instantly and tensed, sending urgent messages to her brain to dump the endorphins off the bloodstream and get the hell back in shape.

Akane tensed too, frowning viciously and regarding the unwelcome guest like something she had just scrapped off the foot of a cockroach. "Kodachi..." she spat.

And then she laughed.

As mentioned before, Akane's body and subconscious had been on full battle alert ever since she ate 'what must not be named' for breakfast. That said, the fact she registered the Kuno girl's laugh as a sonic-based mental-targeting attack should not have been surprising. The fact she used it herself should not be surprising either.

Ranma winced; severely.

Innocent bystanders ducked for cover.

And Kodachi, the insane gymnast, the one that had never heard her own laughter before, had never felt the dread it would usually evoke, fled in fear shouting something about demons, possession and mortal hazard.

Ranma bit her lip, resisting the urge to laugh aloud for the next couple hours, and dragged her now giggling fiancée towards the Tendo estate.

**-n-b-**

Akane fell asleep at the doorstep and Ranma could hardly blame her. The day had been quite a workout, after all, and subconsciously super-powered teen martial artists need their beauty sleep. The next morning, Akane joined him in his morning training, after asking a few random questions about the previous day.

To Ranma's expectation and great relief, she didn't seem to remember anything concrete. The young martial master nodded to himself. Akane had a lot of hidden potential, but he would have to find a way to bring it out gradually. Now, if only he could find a way to get over his fear of teaching as his father did…

And Akane, very proud of hiding her feelings so well -courtesy of her poker prowess, she believed- neglected to mention she remembered everything with crystalline clarity. With her confidence in her martial abilities boosted and her failings in the arena that is the kitchen currently forgotten, she strove to deal with everything that had been revealed during the 'incident', still uncertain of what her reactions should be.

Really, just another day in Nerima, Japan.

Right?

**The End.**

**-n-b-**

Hi there! I found this little monster sitting in the back of my hard drive, unfinished and forgotten and I thought, why not? So I wrote the last scene, somewhat hurriedly, and here it is. Don't get your hopes too high about more….

Now, it's been some years since I wrote this one. I did touch it up slightly, but I still feel it's not up to par with my current writing level. Nevertheless, I hope it has been enjoyable.


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